Cat Bathing as a Martial Art

Some people say that cats never have to be bathed. The time comes,
however, when a person must face reality; when he must look squarely
in the face of public sentiment and announce:
"This cat smells like a porta-potty on a hot day in Juarez."

Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and utter
disregard for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize
on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bath him
in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small
bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend
that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding glass door as if
you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do.
A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than
a politician can shift positions.)

Know that the cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the
skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart
and know how to dress and how to protect yourself. I recommend
canvas overalls tucked into high topped construction boots, a pair
of steel meshed gloves, a army helmet, a hockey face mask and a
long- sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel
when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the
water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass
enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are
lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if
simply to carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice
your strange attire. They have little interest in fashion, as a rule.
If he does notice your garb calmly explain that you are taking part in
product testing equipment for J.C. Penney.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to your survival.
In a single motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure,
slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with the
shampoo. You have begun the wildest 45 seconds of your life! Cats have
no handles.

Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically
compounded. Do not expect to hold onto him for more that two or
three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must
remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like
crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby
rinsing himself off. ( The national record is for cats three lathering,
so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part
will be the most difficult, for humans are generally worn out at this point
and the cat is getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple
compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the
cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain
plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however,
the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this
happens, the best thing you can do is shake him loose and to encourage
him to your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple
matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
Do *NOT* try to use a blow dryer. You might as well use a vacuum
cleaner.

Conclusion
**********
In a few days the cat will relax, enough to be removed from your leg.
He will usually not have anything to say for about three weeks and will
spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become
psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine!
You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually thecae.
As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses
and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.
But, at least now he smells a lot better!

Anonymous